It Wasn't Supposed To Happen This Way
by Utena Himemiya
Summary: ONE SHOT! Utena finds out a disturbing secret about Saionji. Can she put aside their rivalry to help him? Or will he refuse and fall into darkness once more? Please R&R!


**A/N: Bad Utena for taking time off of a previous fanfic to start this one, but she HAD to or the idea wouldn't get out of her head. There was a small discussion on a Saionji list I was on about a fanfic where Saionji had a lot of stress and pain and executed it in a self inflicting way. There was a discussion of if Utena saw him do it, how would she react?**

**Well, I'm hoping this would be an answer. I've been building up my theories over time.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Utena, if I did Juri and Saionji would be a couple. Enough said.**

**WARNING: Hashing/Slashing and Suicide Discussion, Utena's P.O.V.**

**It Wasn't Supposed To Happen This Way**

**By: Utena Himemiya**

I was walking down the grey, stone walkways that wind through Ohtori, like small pathways for students to travel down. When I had walked a few paces in front of the Kendo Hall, I tripped over something and fell flat on my stomach.

"Ugh…That hurt." I groaned as I slowly pulled myself up off of the cold stone surface. I sat there for a moment, and then turned around, facing the object, still in sitting position. It was a bokken. I scratched my head.

_'What in the world is a bokken doing out here?' _I thought to myself, staring intently at the wooden object at my feet. _'Guess I should put it back in the Kendo Hall, before someone else trips over it and almost kills themselves.' _I sweat drop as I reach over to pick up the object.

Grabbing it firmly, I get up and dust my red shorts off. I then walk into the Kendo Hall. The rooms in the massive building are dimly lit, only the sun from the windows manages to get in. It's oddly quiet inside. I don't hear any battle noises, or clanking of bokkens. I wonder what's going on.

Didn't Saionji say he was going to train today? If so, then I can just give the bokken to him. Then he could put it back where it's held. I never held easy feelings for approaching Saionji though…Ever since I've won Himemiya; he's been intent on challenging me to a duel to win her back.

I know he'll probably be in a foul mood, or he might even challenge me to another duel. He never gives up…And yet, I think somewhere inside, that he really does love Himemiya… I can't help but feel something for him when I read his exchange diary, when Anthy and I switched bodies due to that curry incident.

His words seemed so heartfelt, and maybe even deeper then that. It was more like he was in pain at times. Saionji…What have you been through? Your eyes can't be sad for no reason, but at the same time, it couldn't have been anything bad. It's just because I took Anthy away, and yet…I can't deny that there wasn't anything there before, when I think about it.

I carry the bokken, slowly advancing down the halls, wondering if anyone's here, but not wanting to call out, causing someone to loose a match or something.

I turn around the corner and see Saionji, with his hair pulled back, sitting in the middle of the kendo room floor.

_'Maybe he got finished training.' _I thought, and then took two steps forward. After pausing, two steps turned into more. Finally, I could see over him. I knew he was holding something, it was his sword, the same one he dueled me with in order to regain Himemiya after loosing both her and the Sword of Dios to me in our first duel.

He was polishing it with a rag and holding it horizontally in his lap. I dared not to speak. Saionji was an unpredictable guy, and there was no telling when his anger would go off. And when he gets angry, it's not pretty.

He'd already be mad at me for watching him this long, and I don't even know why I was so interested in him anyway…Something just seemed odd about the way he was acting. He's usually out there training with determination in his eyes and a fire in his soul. I think wanting to take Anthy away from me fuels that fire.

But now, he's just sitting here, looking morbid and polishing his sword. The floor hasn't been mopped or anything. It doesn't even look like he's been sparring.

What's going on? What's up with him?

I look at the green haired form with a confused expression adorning my features.

He then did something most unexpected. Saionji took the sword and slowly put the sharp edge towards his wrist, seeming to measure the precision of the wrist to the blade.

_'What's he going to do? He's not going to do what I think he is…Is he?'_

**Slice.**

A small, precise cut was made to pale flesh, making a red liquid flow slowly from the open wounds. My blue eyes widened.

I couldn't hold it in any longer; Iet the words flow from my pink lips, in a slow, sympathetic whisper. "Saionji…"

With a snap of his head, he turned with a startled look and held his wrist in fright. Confusion, hurt and guilt held within the chrisoms of his amethyst eyes. "Tenjou!" He said, nervousness laced into his usual calm and regal tone.

I pretended not to notice what he had done. I held out the bokken gently to him. "Here, I found this outside. I thought I would return it, since it belongs in the kendo room. You're lucky you didn't fall over it when you were coming in here to train."

"I must have dropped it. Go and put it where the others are." He replied.

As I walked slowly over to the others, to place the bokken in its holder, I could see Saionji bandaging up his hand. I turned around to watch him, a thoughtful look crossing me face.

So, this is what Saionji did in the Kendo room when no one was looking. Is he doing this because of me? Because of Anthy? Why all of a sudden do I feel like crying?

I don't know how I got over there, but I managed to get in front of him and lightly grabbed his wrist, causing him to flinch. "What are you doing, Tenjou?" He regained his sharp and bitter tone.

"Saionji…" I looked down, my pink hair shading my eyes, as my grip lightened and I was just laying my hand atop the fresh cut. Since the cloth was thin, I could feel the blood seeping through to my skin, tinting it a shade of crimson. "What kind of life do you lead?" I asked in sympathy.

"What **are **you talking about?" He asked.

I said nothing, but tugged at the cloth, as his arm came swiftly around, knocking me to the ground, my hand taking the makeshift bandage with it. I fell flat to the ground harshly with a thump, clutching the make-shift bandage in my hand. His arm was bent up, and the bandage was gone, blood running down his arm.

I got up slowly, groaning in pain. He turns to leave before I could figure him out.

"Wait!" I call out.

He stops and turns around. "What do **you **want? You do well to keep your nose in your own business."

He wore a false look of confidence and arrogance. "I saw what you did." I held up the crimson soaked rag. "Please talk to me. What's wrong? Why are you doing this?"

"Why should I tell you?" He closed his eyes and turned around. "It's not like you'll understand."

A small trail of blood ran down the blade of the sword. "You never cared before, so why try now? You live in your own little world, Tenjou, oblivious to others around you."

"What?" I tried not to be insulted by his remark. I had to remember that he was just being on high alert because I found him out.

"Please Saionji. Why do you feel as if you have to take this out on yourself?"

"I'm not taking anything out on myself. I'm relieving pain. "

"Does this have to do with Touga?" I asked, knowing of their rivalry.

He gave no reply.

"Tell me! Please! I'm trying to help you!" I ran up to him.

He turned around and we were nose to nose. I tried not to shrink back. I had to stand up for what I believed in. I had to keep my nobility. "You could never understand my problems, Tenjou. They are far beyond your comprehension. You are lucky, because you never had to face rejection in your life. You can have all of the fans in the world, but if you don't feel positive about yourself, then how can you feel that you deserve those fans? I've eternally been on bottom. I no longer want anything eternal or to be involved in End of the World's plans. I just want to stay here, in this dark room, and remain a shadow, seeking comfort in the darkness."

I blinked. This was serious. "Saionji…"

"It's too late for useless pity. Don't think that you can help me, I'm already too far gone."

I looked into his eyes, those eyes so full of utter hell. Now I see it, the meaning behind that look in his eyes. The meaning behind his sadness. He felt that Anthy was the only thing he could hold onto…And when I took her away…

I felt an inward pain. It _is _my fault.

"I'm so sorry Saionji." I frowned. My eyes holding in their tears.

I lifted his arm and wiped his cut with the already blood soaked rag.

I heard a small hiss of pain from him, but I didn't look at his face. The room was silent for about ten minuets. I slipped a fresh white cloth around his wrist, a white handkerchief I had in my pocket. I was going to use it to wipe the extra sweat from my fore head after a hard day at basketball, but come to think of it, I don't need it that much.

He needs to more then I do. He needs my help and after all I've done, I can't help but take some responsibility in him feeling this way. I have to help someone who needs my help, though I never thought that someone would be my rival.

He wasn't talking to me, and I wondered why. I looked up, "Saionji?" I questioned. He sighed and turned his head to the side, frowning at me. "I don't want your pity."

"But, it's not pity. Let me help you, I can make up for what I've done. I promise, please don't do this to yourself!" I pleaded, holding the hand of the wrist I had bandaged.

"Perhaps I should just lock myself in the coffin that eternity has made for me and lay in there to meet my fate." He replied, recalling the pink haired girl's pleas.

_'Please, don't open it.'_

_'Please.'_

_'I want to stay here, beside of my parents, where I belong.'_

"Don't!" I cried. "Please, we can get through it together! Even though we're not exactly the best of friends, can't you find it in your heart to let me help you?"

A purple eye darted back at me, shining with all of the twisted brilliance of sadness and despair. I pray in my mind to let him agree. To let him know his state and want help.

Had I have known all of this sooner…

I wouldn't have been so hard on him for what he had done to Anthy.

I would've tried to listen to him.

I wouldn't have humiliated him like I did.

I wouldn't have tried to show him off.

"What makes you think I should agree with you?" He replied, though he looked a bit defeated. "Why should I accept your help?"

"I know that you don't want to accept my help or anything. You don't even have to…" I trailed, looking a bit dejected.

"The truth is…" He began but paused. I looked intently at him for an answer. "The truth is, I suppose that I do need help. I know it's not normal, and finally someone sees **my **pain and **my **hell. Ironic it should be you. You the one who mocked me..."

I looked down as he spoke. "The one who made all of my achievements look insignificant. You who are the Rose Bride's _prince _while I am the epiphany of all the most everyone loathe. Someone like you could never understand."

"I know you're hurt, I realize it now…" I spoke. "More then you'll ever know..."

He looked at me.

"Please Saionji, "I begged to the point of tears. "I want to see you shine too! Let me be that one! Let me be the one to help you shine!"

A surprised look crossed his face. "To shine?"

"Yes." I smiled warmly at him. "Shine."

"I wouldn't know what it's like to shine." He replied.

"Let me show you." I told him, a gentle smile caressing my features.

For once, I think he'll listen to me. Don't worry Saionji; you'll shine one day too.

**Owari**

**A/N: I hope I was IC. prays I'm usually really good at getting Utena into character. Please tell me how I'm doing, please? I want to know if I got IC. If it's not I'll probably take it down.**

**That goes for Saionji as well; this is only my second fanfiction. Please R&R!**


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